Post by: Donster on January 03, 2013, 02:52:00 pm
Just sayin'
;D
PS to edit: Let's keep it clean, ok?
Post by: Donster on January 03, 2013, 02:54:27 pm
The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly.
He was 71.
Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough, plus they had one in the oven!
Services were held at 350 for about 20 minutes.
Won't you remember him with a moment of silence?
Post by: Roger on January 03, 2013, 06:12:51 pm
Post by: Duchess on January 03, 2013, 07:58:21 pm
:D
Post by: Fiero GTB on January 03, 2013, 09:17:27 pm
Why do the English drink warm beer?
Lucas refrigerators.
If you liked that one, check out this site: http://www.mez.co.uk/lucas.html (http://www.mez.co.uk/lucas.html)
I especially like the replacement smoke for Lucas wiring harnesses!
FGTB
Post by: TopNotch on January 04, 2013, 09:25:35 am
I read a book on anti-gravity... I couldn't put it down!
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
Post by: Roger on January 04, 2013, 10:53:27 pm
I opened the fridge.
The light came on.
The beer was cold.
What the heck is she talking about?
Post by: Fiero GTB on January 04, 2013, 11:29:06 pm
What did the Dalai Lama and the hot dog vendor say to each other when they met?
"Please, make me one with everything?"
FGTB
Post by: Raydar on January 05, 2013, 05:01:03 pm
My favorite joke of all time:
What did the Dalai Lama and the hot dog vendor say to each other when they met?
"Please, make me one with everything?"
FGTB
"What about my change?!"
"Change comes from within."
Post by: Raydar on January 05, 2013, 05:02:26 pm
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Post by: Duchess on January 05, 2013, 05:29:48 pm
Post by: Roger on January 05, 2013, 06:19:30 pm
Post by: Duchess on January 05, 2013, 06:29:21 pm
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 kilos that week.
Post by: Duchess on January 07, 2013, 12:13:47 pm
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.
Post by: Fierofool on January 07, 2013, 04:01:56 pm
Keep 'em coming.
Keep 'em clean.
Post by: Duchess on January 07, 2013, 04:04:18 pm
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'Came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'
I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.
I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with,
Which one...... Rick Perry, Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Michele Bachmann, Ron Paul, Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, Herman Cain, or Sarah Palin, Trump. Obama, Joe Biden??? Damn I love this truck...
Post by: fiero128 on January 08, 2013, 03:56:25 am
A: Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicke
Post by: Roger on January 13, 2013, 10:16:26 pm
World Standards Day
From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994
"The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated October 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those volunteers who have worked hard to define international standards.
The United States celebrated World Standards Day on October 11;
Finland celebrated on October 13;
and Italy celebrated on October 18."
No further comment about the global state of "standardization" is necessary!
Post by: Raydar on January 14, 2013, 10:14:04 pm
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally?
Ever wonder why?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
It's because she smells like a new Truck
Post by: Fiero GTB on January 15, 2013, 10:43:33 am
FGTB
Post by: HarryT on January 17, 2013, 12:19:11 am
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it, without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said,
Post by: Fiero GTB on January 17, 2013, 09:17:48 am
Come back tomorrow for the answer...
Post by: Fiero GTB on January 17, 2013, 09:25:35 am
You may not know this but even non-living things have a gender:
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hour glass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this,-it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
Post by: Donster on January 17, 2013, 10:22:19 am
Post by: Roger on January 17, 2013, 12:50:56 pm
Do you know how to keep a dimwit in suspense?
Come back tomorrow for the answer...
I'll bring a dead chicken and, a sawed off baseball bat, a jar of cooking oil and a gallon of cooked grits.
Post by: Roger on January 17, 2013, 12:54:38 pm
Post by: HarryT on January 17, 2013, 01:01:57 pm
Post by: Duchess on January 17, 2013, 07:26:08 pm
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital.
"How are you, Grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all -- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a
cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question
the Sister in charge.
"What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old man
Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of
chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him
sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed." :D
Post by: HarryT on January 19, 2013, 12:53:38 am
last fall, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
They hired a Bird Pathologist to examine the remains of all the crows, and he
confirmed the test results showed it was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to
everyone's relief.
However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with
trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.
The province then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine why
there was a disproportionate percentage for truck versus car kill.
The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order.
He concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out
Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His study results and conclusion was that the lookout crow could warn the
other crows by saying "Cah", but the crow could not say "Truck."
Post by: HarryT on January 20, 2013, 12:47:54 am
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
SON-OF-A-B!TCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a B!TCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Post by: Duchess on January 20, 2013, 01:29:40 pm
According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers...... And then there are educators!
If Sister Mary ran for office I would vote for her!
Post by: Duchess on January 20, 2013, 01:31:13 pm
I really learned something @tools. Thanks for sharing :)
Post by: Raydar on January 20, 2013, 03:47:49 pm
...
SON-OF-A-B!TCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a B!TCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
This is usually when my wife comments. "Remember.. this is what you do for fun."
Post by: HarryT on January 21, 2013, 02:24:26 am
Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes.
Lady: How much a day?
Man: Three 6 packs.
Lady: How much per 6 pack?
Man: About $10.00.
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years.
Lady: So one 6 pack costs $10.00, and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No.
Man: So where's your frigging Ferrari?
Post by: Roger on January 23, 2013, 08:31:10 pm
Do not leave your vehicle!
But, for the illiterate...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qr5c0jXioo
Post by: Fiero GTB on January 23, 2013, 11:04:57 pm
Stay in your vehicle!
Do not leave your vehicle!
But, for the illiterate...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qr5c0jXioo
He deserved every ounze of dirty, soapy, tepid, thrice-reciruclated water!
FGTB
Post by: Roger on January 24, 2013, 12:50:59 pm
Let's see. The rules state I must hit the ball where it lies or, I can take a drop and a 1 stroke penalty.
So guess what's up for dinner?
Post by: Fierofool on January 26, 2013, 05:00:55 pm
I asked "Do you know what day is tomorrow?" She said "Yes, it's President's Day". So, I asked her if she new what President's day was about and was waiting for something about maybe Washington or Lincoln or Franklin or somebody.
She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of his Bull."
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out of your nose!
Post by: whiteandnerdy27 on January 26, 2013, 11:43:54 pm
Post by: Raydar on February 02, 2013, 02:18:09 pm
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yes, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
Post by: fiero128 on February 04, 2013, 05:36:39 am
Stay in your vehicle!
Do not leave your vehicle!
But, for the illiterate...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qr5c0jXioo
OOPS
hehehehehe ;D
Post by: Roger on February 04, 2013, 06:43:10 pm
From this date forward, all Secret Service agents will no longer carry firearms nor will any vehicles be so equipped.
Each one will however, be required to carry a pocket Thesaurus to assist them in using harsh language at anyone who
threatens the safety of the President, members of the House or Congress.
All citizens that are for gun controls or otherwise against the 2nd Amendment MUST register with their local law
enforcement so that no firearms will be used to protect them.
Neighborhood locals who are against gun control are expected to respect those in their neighborhood who are for
gun control and abstain from shooting at rapists, burglars, arsonists; etc. on their neighbors premesis.
They can though, defend themselves, their family and their property as they see fit.
Insurance companies are expected to drop Homeowners Liability insurance of those for gun control thus, saving
millions of dollars.
Fire Departments will still respond but, due to the use of an axe by Lizzy Borden, no axes will be used to reach
anyone trapped inside of a structure of any kind.
Anyone found using a firearm in the process of committing a crime will get the Death Penalty. No trial, no jury,
just representation and due process, blah, blah, blah. Sentence to be carried out within the week of the infraction.
This is expected to save the United States billions of dollars in supporting the criminal element and reduce the
National Deficit.
With respect to the Freedom From Religion Foundation, you're on your own on this one.
The NRA has declined to comment.
;D
Post by: 85GT on February 05, 2013, 06:45:42 pm
Post by: Duchess on February 07, 2013, 08:18:36 pm
A married couple is travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George .
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.
"But we didn't use them," the husband said.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed topay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with senior citizens..... They didn't get there by being stupid.
Post by: TopNotch on February 08, 2013, 04:38:47 pm
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn , how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald , what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie , name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie , give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is.
TEACHER: No, Millie ..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold , what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
Post by: HarryT on February 09, 2013, 01:36:18 am
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."
The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter.
When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
Post by: Fiero GTB on February 09, 2013, 10:54:13 am
FGTB
Post by: Fiero GTB on February 09, 2013, 10:56:24 am
But, I don't wanna go... the teachers all hate me and the kids make fun of me and call me names!
John, honey, you have to go... you're the principal!
Post by: Duchess on February 22, 2013, 08:58:24 pm
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!! ;D
Post by: Fiero GTB on March 01, 2013, 09:37:06 pm
http://www.wimp.com/paintballduel/ (http://www.wimp.com/paintballduel/)
Fiero GTB
Post by: fiero128 on March 02, 2013, 09:37:40 pm
EXACTLY the sort of thing I would do if I had waaaaaaay too much money!
http://www.wimp.com/paintballduel/ (http://www.wimp.com/paintballduel/)
Fiero GTB
that would get you arrested here
Post by: Duchess on March 03, 2013, 09:19:38 am
Post by: Roger on March 03, 2013, 01:40:39 pm
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".
Post by: Roger on March 24, 2013, 11:33:28 am
The doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my
husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."
The doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that
your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and
start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves
the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking
fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant
idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with
water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does
a glass of water do that?"
The doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping
your mouth shut that does the trick."
Post by: GrannyLinda on March 31, 2013, 03:18:53 pm
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big"everything under one
roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota . "Well, the boss was unsure,
but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came
down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today son?" The kid frowns
and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says, "Just one?!!" Our sales people average sales of 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have
to changes, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for
our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're
not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for
chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says, "$101,237.65". The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!?
What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need
a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think
his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that Ford 4X4
Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot,
you should go fishing........."
:) :) :)
Post by: TopNotch on April 02, 2013, 09:36:56 pm
Post by: Fiero GTB on April 03, 2013, 01:46:28 pm
If you like Cats and/or Easter eggs, you'll get a kick out of this:
http://msnvideo.msn.com/?channelindex=4&from=en-us_msnhpvidmod#/video/12a5987f-bff0-4ffd-b7c3-819efb453cee (http://msnvideo.msn.com/?channelindex=4&from=en-us_msnhpvidmod#/video/12a5987f-bff0-4ffd-b7c3-819efb453cee)
FGTB
Post by: Fiero GTB on April 16, 2013, 10:20:19 pm
FASTER than a short-through kit! Better than shift paddles! It works by voice command!
Just make the sound of the gear you want to be in...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RClFPv5r-0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RClFPv5r-0)
FGTB
Post by: TopNotch on May 01, 2013, 11:48:10 am
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He sees right away from her window nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I would like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief, and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $100,000.
The teller asks his name, and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger. He says his dad is Mick Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager personally.
Patty explains that $100,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will have to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "sure, I have this" and produces a tiny porcelain elephant about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she will have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into the back office.She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog out there called Kermit Jagger who claims to know you and wants to borrow $100,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this???"
The bank manager looks back at her and says,...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
"It's a knick knack, Patty Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Post by: Fierofool on May 01, 2013, 08:03:04 pm
Bagpipes at a Funeral
I was up in Northeast Georgia one day and on my way back home, decided to drop in on an Uncle that I hadn't seen in quite some time. When I got to his house, he was just about to get into his van and rather than cut the visit short, he asked if I had time to go with him, so I did. He was on his way to a funeral but said it wouldn't take but just a bit.
He's a bagpiper, and is often requested for funerals. He was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back hills country.
He wasn't familiar with the area and got lost and, being typical men, we didn't stop for directions. We were lost and Bobby just kept driving around, looking.
We finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
Bobby felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. Since I didn't know the man, I just stayed off to the side while Bobby went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. He didn't know what else to do, so he started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. He really played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. He played for this homeless man like I've never heard anyone play the bagpipes.
While he played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept and I heard Bobby splutter a note or two. We all wept together. When he finished, without saying a word he folded up his bagpipes and started back to the van.
While Bobby was packing the bagpipes into the case in the rear of the van, I had started to get in on the passenger side and I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently we're still lost.... it's a man thing.
Post by: GrannyLinda on May 22, 2013, 04:53:53 pm
Sven and Ole worked together in a Minnesota factory.....and both were laid off.
So...dey vent to der Unemployment Office togedder.
Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties."
The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Ole $300 a week in unemployment compensation.
Sven, when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter".
The clerk looked up Diesel Fitter...and it was classified as skilled. So, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week in unemployment compensation.
When Ole found this out, he was yus furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his benefits.
The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled labor and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."
"Vat skill ? yelled Ole. "I sew da elastic on da panties. Sven puts dem over his head and says, "Yah,------------- DIESEL FITTER".
(If you don't understand a word of this, then you're not Norwegian or from Minnesota!)
Post by: Fierofool on May 22, 2013, 07:19:12 pm
Post by: Roger on August 09, 2013, 03:55:39 pm
Post by: Robs Fieros on August 09, 2013, 05:59:24 pm
Post by: Fierfly on August 09, 2013, 09:06:48 pm
ok, i don't get that last one... ???
Post by: Fierofool on August 09, 2013, 09:41:15 pm
Now I don't kere who ye are, at right 'ere is funny!
Post by: Fiero GTB on August 09, 2013, 11:34:08 pm
FGTB
Post by: Donster on September 25, 2013, 05:59:39 am
You receive a pre-declined credit card offer in the mail
You notice that CEOs play mini-golf now
Exxon-Mobil lays off 25 Congressmen
Angelina Jolie only adopts children from the US now
Motel 6 doesn't leave the light on anymore
A picture is now only worth about 50 words
Wall Street is renamed to "Wall-Mart" Street
You call a suicide hotline and tell them you are suicidal, so they transfer you to the call center in Pakistan and they get all excited and ask if you can drive a truck!
But on the other hand, if you are wealthy like Fiero GTB, he has to pay his wife $ 7 for her thoughts! (inside joke stolen from Tim :-))
Greetings to all from across the big pond,
\D
Post by: Fierofool on September 25, 2013, 09:56:21 pm
Post by: Donster on January 20, 2014, 02:38:00 am
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
-- ---------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
Post by: Fierofool on January 20, 2014, 08:59:02 am
Post by: Roger on January 20, 2014, 02:01:27 pm
Post by: MetalBlue85GT on January 29, 2014, 05:38:22 am
He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said. 'I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building, that you won't be able to wheel back.'
'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. 'Let's see you do it.' The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to
the young man, he said, 'All right, Dumb Ass, get in.'
Post by: GTRS Fiero on March 11, 2017, 09:57:12 am
OK, none of those topics.
Here's one for the younger readers (cleaned up):
There was a really bad accident. A man's big toe was severed, and left laying in the street. The police wouldn't touch it, so motorists called the ambulance. They said they wouldn't handle that, but recommended a specialty vehicle specifically equipped to handle this type of emergency: a tow truck.
Post by: GTRS Fiero on March 12, 2017, 09:53:19 am
A while back, I was pulled over. The officer asked for my license & registration. I gave him my license & insurance card. He went to his car, came back, and asked, ”Who're you?” He kept shining his light in my face, holding my license, and looking at me. Then, he told me to get out of the truck. Eventually, I got out. He searched me, then told me to get in his car. I couldn't get any explanation for why he pulled me over. In his car, he showed me his computer screen, which had my license pulled up. Only the picture had a guy with a green face, a red nose, pointy ears, a missing tooth, drool, and various black facial hair. The officer let me go.
I never let on about that incident, because it took a while to set things up to repay this favor. I didn't reciprocate my thanks in like manner, due to potential professional repercussions. I did find the guy in the picture. We'll call him George. The guy who played the prank on me, we'll call Bob. I had fake IDs made for Bob and George, and fake insurance papers for Bob. George's fake ID showed Bob's address. Bob's fake ID and insurance papers showed the city dump, and had a picture of the Easter Bunny. Before Bob left for work, his wife removed house keys and vehicle keys except his work key, and replaced them with random keys, and she swapped his license and fake ID. George got all dressed up in green, and he and Bob's wife went to lunch (at a favorite place of Bob's, where they know him), then to a photo session. All the pictures of Bob were removed or changed to George pictures. When Bob got home, he couldn't get into the house. His wife answered the door, and pretended that she didn't know who he was. Bob called the police. The officer asked for proof, and Bob pulled out his license. The officer looked at the license, then handed it back to Bob. I don't know what the officer said, but Bob sortof froze when he looked at the fake ID. About this time, George stepped out, in full costume, and put his arm around Bob's wife. Bob looked startled, then started laughing. After some explanation, the officer left, as did George. Bob's wife has advised him that the pranks are over.
Post by: Raydar on March 12, 2017, 03:17:59 pm
"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."
Post by: Fierofool on March 12, 2017, 06:58:27 pm
Post by: Roger on March 12, 2017, 08:37:24 pm
Hi Fred,
This is Alan next door. I have a confession to make.
I've been feeling guilty these past few months and have
been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you, but
at least I'm telling you now in a text message as I
feel bad about you not knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife a lot lately.
In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been able to
get it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know.
The temptation was too much. I feel so guilty and I hope
you will accept my sincerest apologies. It won't happen
again. Please suggest a usage fee and I'll pay you.
Regards,
Alan
THE ACTIONS
Fred, feeling betrayed and insulted, grabbed his gun,
rushed next door and shot his neighbor dead. He returned
home, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the
sofa to reflect.
Then he took out his phone and saw he had a second message
from his neighbor:
SECOND MESSAGE
Hi Fred, Alan here again. Sorry about the typo on my last
text. I guess you figured it out anyway - the damned
Auto-Correct changed ‘wi-fi’ to 'wife.’ Technology, hey?
Regards, Alan
Post by: Drewbdo on March 13, 2017, 09:38:41 am
Post by: Fierofool on March 13, 2017, 10:56:30 am
There's a lot of movement, but eventually the women are gone and there are two lines left. The line of the men who were not in charge is miles long. In the other line stands just one man.
God turns to this man and says, "You're the only one in this line. How did you manage this?"
The man shrugs and says, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
Post by: GTRS Fiero on March 13, 2017, 05:44:06 pm
All the men who think they were in charge of their relationship on earth stand here, and the ones who believe they were in charge, stand here."
I think there are 2 problems here. in/not charge, and here/there.
Post by: GTRS Fiero on March 19, 2017, 12:21:37 pm
----------------------------
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.
This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.
They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved--now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses!
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
Post by: GTRS Fiero on March 25, 2017, 08:39:50 am
An English schoolteacher was looking for a home in the country, where she would be teaching school. She asked the schoolmaster for a recommendation. He made several recommendations, one of which they agreed would be perfect. As she began to make final preparations for the move, the thought suddenly occured to her that she had not seen a Water Closet (toilet) in the pictures. She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a "W.C." near the house.
The schoolmaster had no idea what a WC was, so he asked the parish priest about the meaning of the letters "W.C." and the only solution they could come up with for the letters was "Wayside Chapel". The schoolmaster then wrote the following note to the English lady:
Dear Madam: I take great comfort in informing you that a "W.C." is situated nine miles from the house in the corner of a beautiful grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people, and it is open on Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a great many people expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early, although there is usually plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, particularly if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good many bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others, who can't afford to go by car, arrive just in time. I would especially advise you to go on Thursdays when there is an organ accompaniest. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heared everywhere. It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the "W.C." and it was there that she met her husband. I remember the rush there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat usually reserved for one, and it was wonderful to see the expression on their faces.
The newest attraction is a bell, donated by a wealthy resident of the district, which rings every time a person enters. A Bazaar is to be held to raise money for plush seat. My wife is rather delicate so she can't go regularly: it has been several weeks since she went last. Naturally it pains her not to be able to go more often. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you, if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children there is a special time so that they will not disturb the elders.
Hoping to have been of some service to you, I remain,
Schoolmaster Joe
Post by: GTRS Fiero on October 09, 2017, 07:47:06 pm
Post by: GTXVette on October 09, 2017, 09:21:59 pm
Post by: Fierofool on October 12, 2017, 05:57:59 pm
The Judge opened the case folder and read the charges. "Young lady, you have been charged with solicitation of an undercover officer for intimate favors for pay. How do you plead?"
"Not guilty, Your Honor" said the young woman.
"Not Guilty? Please explain." said the Judge.
The young woman replied; "Well, Your Honor, I was calling my lost dog. You see, my dog's name is Tiz. I was just standing on the corner yelling 'Here, Tiz, Here, Tiz, Here, Tiz.' "
Post by: GTRS Fiero on June 13, 2018, 08:42:02 pm
The doctor joined in, "I've never seen such slow golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greenskeeper. Perhaps he knows the story."
He said, "Hello Bill, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Well, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The network engineer thought a moment and said, "In the meantime, can't they play at night?"
Post by: TopNotch on February 22, 2019, 05:25:27 pm
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says.
"This is the worst day of my life," I say, "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found that my car had been stolen. I left my wallet in the cab home. I found my wife with another man, and my dog bit me."
"So I come to this here bar to work up the courage to end it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in it, and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing!"
"But enough about me. How's your day going?"
Post by: GTRS Fiero on February 22, 2019, 05:52:05 pm
Post by: Raydar on February 22, 2019, 10:10:59 pm
"Fred," he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me... I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."
Post by: GTRS Fiero on February 24, 2019, 07:45:26 pm
Post by: GTRS Fiero on March 02, 2019, 01:23:13 pm
The statues took the genie up of the offer, of course. After stretching for a moment, they looked at each other. "Shall we give in to the desires we've always had?" "Yes, let's!" They ran off, one behind the other. Presently, there was rustling in the bushes, and a bunch of noise. After a while, both returned, exhausted and sweaty. The genie pointed out that less than 15 minutes had passed. Instantly, the woman said, "Let's do it again!" The man replied, "OK, but this time, you hold the pidgeon, and I'll p**p on it!"
Post by: TopNotch on March 05, 2019, 12:32:18 pm
Warden: Do you have a permit for all those fish?
Man: No sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: Your pet fish? How's that?
Man: Well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake. I let them swim for about half an hour. Then I whistle, and they all come back and jump in my basket, and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well, that's just a crock of lies!
Man: Here, I'll show you... (He releases the fish into the lake.)
Warden: Well, this I got to see!
5 minutes later...
Warden: Well?
Man: What?
Warden: The fish! Where's your pet fish?
Man: What fish?
Post by: GTRS Fiero on March 05, 2019, 07:46:44 pm
The conservation agent was surprised to see that fisherman did not bring much gear. The two set out into the river in the fisherman's boat. After they had been out for a while, the fisherman stops the boat, reaches into a box, then pulls out a stick of dynomite. He lights the fuse, waits until the fuse has burned short, then tosses the dynomite into the river. KABOOM! Fish surface, and the fisherman scoops them up.
The conservation agent is startled, and too shocked for words. After a few more such catches, the conservation agent finds his tongue.
"What are you doing?" the agent asks.
"Fishin'" replies the fisherman. He tosses out another stick of dynomite.
"You can't do that--it's illegal!" says the agent.
The fisherman scoops up his catch, and pulls out another stick of dynomite.
The agent blurts out, "I'll have to take you in!"
The fisherman calmly lights the dynomite, hands the stick to the agent, and asks, "Would you like to go fishin' with me?"
Post by: Fierofool on March 19, 2019, 10:10:11 am
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals .......very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am
Post by: Raydar on March 19, 2019, 05:21:32 pm
Bill rushes back into her bedroom and asks her, "Why did you say the last part?" His daughter replies, "Because I needed to." The next day, grandpa dies of a heart attack. Bill is worried about his daughter but thinks, "It must just be a sad coincidence."
That night he tucks his daughter into bed again and once again he hears her saying her prayers. She says, "God bless mommy and daddy, rest in peace grandma." Bill is now really worried and thinking to himself, "Can my daughter really see into the future?"
The next day, grandma dies and now Bill is convinced his daughter can predict the future.
For the rest of the week nothing happens, but on the Sunday night as Bill leaves his daughter's bedroom he waits outside and listens for any more prayers. Sure enough, he hears her say, "God bless you mommy, rest in peace daddy." Now Bill is really panicking and thinking, '"Oh God, I'm going to die tomorrow!"
The following day Bill is in a complete mess all day in work; a real nervous wreck. He constantly checks the clock, looks around the room and is on edge all the time expecting to die at any moment. He is so nervous that he doesn't leave the office until it's past midnight. Once it turns midnight he says to himself with relief, "How is this possible? I should be dead!" He goes home and walks into the house to find his wife sitting on the sofa with a scared look on her face. She asks him, "Where have you been? What took you so long?"
Bill replies, "Listen honey, today I haven't had the best of days" and he is just about to tell her what has happened when she starts crying and bursts out, "I saw the mailman die yesterday!"
Post by: pgackerman on March 20, 2019, 09:26:48 am
Post by: GTRS Fiero on April 26, 2019, 09:58:47 pm
Back in the days of the CRTs, I told someone that the computer could take their picture. Just go to this particular web site, click the button, and hold their face close to the monitor and still. The raster in the monitor would slowly scan their face, and the image would appear. It may be fuzzy--especially if they moved during the scan. I added a bunch of detail to explain how this works, but this person wouldn't believe me for anything...but apparently an eavesdropper did. She apparently got the fuzzy image, too...
Post by: fiero128 on April 27, 2019, 05:17:26 am
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals .......very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NYyIdvl-zk
Post by: GTRS Fiero on April 30, 2019, 05:54:15 pm
"BF Goodrich".
He said that wouldn't float his boat.
About then, the mail was delivered (to the office, but whatever), including his male enhancement medicine. I suggested that maybe that would float his boat.
Post by: Fierofool on May 03, 2019, 07:38:02 pm
A woman awakes during the night
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. “What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?” The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?” he asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?” “Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, “Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!” “I remember that too,” she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today!”
Post by: GTRS Fiero on May 03, 2019, 07:43:39 pm
Post by: Fierofool on May 03, 2019, 10:31:16 pm
Post by: GTRS Fiero on May 03, 2019, 10:34:46 pm
Post by: Fierofool on May 03, 2019, 10:56:26 pm
Post by: GTRS Fiero on May 03, 2019, 10:57:43 pm
Post by: GTRS Fiero on June 27, 2019, 10:31:50 pm
One cow turned to another, and said, "I think they have it backwards".
Post by: GTRS Fiero on June 30, 2019, 01:20:28 pm
Post by: Donster on July 04, 2019, 08:15:01 am
He replies apologetic: "I'm so sorry, do you two whales come here often?"
Post by: GTRS Fiero on July 04, 2019, 09:34:00 am
Years ago, one of my brothers was popular with some large ladies. On one occasion, 2 large ladies stopped by during a family gathering. My other brother wanted the two women to stand on opposite sides of the porch, to keep it level. That did not go over well.
Post by: Fierofool on July 04, 2019, 06:56:59 pm
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo... It means someone stole tent."
Post by: GTRS Fiero on July 04, 2019, 11:06:33 pm
Post by: GTRS Fiero on July 11, 2019, 08:54:46 pm
Said nun 1 to nun 2, "A beer sure would be nice today."
Nun 2 replied, "Yes, but I don't want the inevitable hassle at checkout."
Nun 1 said, "I can handle that." So, nun 2 picked up a 6-pack and headed to the register.
At the register, the cashier gave the nuns a puzzled look. "What's that for?", he asked.
Nun 1 replied, "Back at the nunnery, we use beer to wash our hair."
The cashier reached under the counter and pulled out some pretzels, which he put in a bag and handed to the nun. He looked her right in the eye, and said, "The curlers are on the house."
Post by: GTRS Fiero on July 21, 2019, 07:36:45 am
Yesterday, my son and I went in search of an historical marker. My son was worried that it would be a wild goose chase, but the detour only took a few minutes. As we were leaving the marker, my son commented, "Dad, I think that goose was domesticated."
Post by: MikeMac on July 24, 2019, 02:07:32 am
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: Oil Change $20. 00 Coffee $1. 00 Total $21. 00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50. 00.
2) Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20. 00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack. Jack car up.
5) Find jack stands under kids pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss.
11) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
12) Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to liquor store; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 10.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit your Best in Show trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent: Parts $50. 00 DUI $2500. 00 Impound fee $75. 00 Bail $1500. 00
Beer $40. 00 Total-- $4165. 00
But, you have the satisfaction of knowing the job was done right...
Post by: TopNotch on August 17, 2019, 10:57:05 pm
The taxi driver looked her up and down.
Naked woman: That’s rude, have you never seen a naked woman before?
Taxi driver: I sure have.
Naked woman: Then why are you looking me up and down for so long? Let’s go!
Taxi driver: To see if you have any money on you, without the money I am not moving!
Post by: scottb on August 19, 2019, 08:08:40 am
Everywhere
Post by: GTRS Fiero on October 13, 2019, 09:24:13 am
Post by: GTRS Fiero on November 17, 2019, 10:30:36 am
Quote
At the US embassy for the visa interview.
Officer: Where to in the US?
Me: San Jose.
Officer: It's pronounced San Hosey. J is pronounced as H in the US.
Me: Oh, OK!
Officer: So, how long do you plan to be in the US?
Me: From Hanuary to Hune or Huly.
Visa rejected.
Post by: GTRS Fiero on December 15, 2019, 01:07:41 pm
Did you hear the news? Shifty Claus is holding impeachment hearings on Rudolph. Seems that Comet overheard Vixen talking to Donner, who spoke to Dasher, Dancer, and Prancer behind a Christmas tree that Cupid says that Blitzen said that Rudolph bribed a reindeer in Ukraine for his red nose. The Committee said that all of this can be confirmed by a secret whistle blower they suspect might be Elf On The Shelf. :D
Post by: scottb on February 09, 2020, 08:03:10 am
Post by: GTRS Fiero on February 09, 2020, 08:32:27 am
Post by: Fierofool on March 28, 2020, 06:01:13 pm
NO TV SPORTS FOR TWO WEEKS
I just had a very interesting one-hour conversation with my wife. She's a very nice lady. Apparently she used to be a medical transcriptionist and is now retired.
Post by: GTRS Fiero on March 28, 2020, 06:06:33 pm
Post by: TopNotch on April 12, 2020, 10:45:56 am
Post by: Fierofool on July 02, 2020, 03:39:58 pm
The Liberty agent is talking to a mother and her daughter. First, he pulls a coin from behind the little girl's ear then a pen and note pad. He then pulls phone and a desk from her. Next he pulls an office chair and sits down in it. Then he reaches over and opens the little girl's drawers and sticks his hand inside. https://youtu.be/VeUvTkO6wVE
Post by: TopNotch on September 16, 2020, 11:26:10 am
Post by: GTRS Fiero on September 16, 2020, 06:20:27 pm
Post by: GTRS Fiero on September 16, 2020, 06:20:59 pm
Probably not good to the very last drop.
Post by: PK on March 12, 2021, 02:23:25 pm
A bunch of cows watched while a group of people meditated. "OOOOOOOOOOM"
One cow turned to another, and said, "I think they have it backwards".
Did you know Edam is made backwards?
And while I'm here....
I think my wife is putting glue on my collection of antique weapons.
She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.
Post by: TopNotch on May 30, 2021, 12:44:03 pm
Post by: GTRS Fiero on May 30, 2021, 01:01:51 pm
When, after the opening ceremonies, no sound is heard, the next thing over the radio will be, "Drivers, check your batteries!"
Post by: TopNotch on July 05, 2021, 11:05:19 pm
About 63 Earths could fit inside Uranus.
64 if you relax.
Post by: Fierofool on July 06, 2021, 07:29:51 am
Post by: TopNotch on September 03, 2021, 12:16:00 am
...
...
...
...
...
...
Because you can't open Windows in space!
Post by: TopNotch on December 25, 2021, 10:03:13 pm
Post by: pgackerman on December 25, 2021, 10:28:12 pm
Post by: TopNotch on December 26, 2021, 01:34:11 pm
Post by: AJ_87Fiero on December 27, 2021, 11:38:41 am
Rebel without a Santa Claus
Post by: TopNotch on January 18, 2022, 08:26:50 am
Bartender: Hey.
Horse: Sure.
Post by: TopNotch on July 17, 2022, 09:22:49 pm
It's impossible to put down.
Post by: PK on July 23, 2022, 10:21:52 am
I bought this new TV and it says "Built in Antenna" ....I don't even know where that is!
Post by: PK on August 25, 2022, 03:47:40 pm
Post by: Fierofool on December 12, 2022, 09:15:35 am
At the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The Deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church, Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one of the male squirrels and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.