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Author Topic: Anyone heard a good joke lately?  (Read 42971 times)

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GTRS Fiero

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #90 on: February 24, 2019, 07:45:26 pm »
Apparently, the dancing thing is addictive.  Went looking for programs to deal with this, and found they offer a 2-step.

GTRS Fiero

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #91 on: March 02, 2019, 01:23:13 pm »
Two statues stood before the entrance to a park: one was male, and the other female.  Each was an exemplary sample of its respective gender, each nude, and each anatomically correct.  A genie appeared, and offered the statues the opportunity to be fully human for 30 minutes.  This opportinity would never come again.  The catch was, they would have to return before that 30 minutes was up.

The statues took the genie up of the offer, of course.  After stretching for a moment, they looked at each other.  "Shall we give in to the desires we've always had?" "Yes, let's!"  They ran off, one behind the other.  Presently, there was rustling in the bushes, and a bunch of noise.  After a while, both returned, exhausted and sweaty.  The genie pointed out that less than 15 minutes had passed.  Instantly, the woman said, "Let's do it again!"  The man replied, "OK, but this time, you hold the pidgeon, and I'll p**p on it!"

TopNotch

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #92 on: March 05, 2019, 12:32:18 pm »
A man gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.
Warden: Do you have a permit for all those fish?
Man: No sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: Your pet fish? How's that?
Man: Well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake. I let them swim for about half an hour. Then I whistle, and they all come back and jump in my basket, and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well, that's just a crock of lies!
Man: Here, I'll show you... (He releases the fish into the lake.)
Warden: Well, this I got to see!
5 minutes later...
Warden: Well?
Man: What?
Warden: The fish! Where's your pet fish?
Man: What fish?
The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of play.

GTRS Fiero

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #93 on: March 05, 2019, 07:46:44 pm »
The local conservation agent was so happy when he heard that a renowned fisherman had moved into town.  Finally, they met, and the conservation agent asked to go fishing with the fisherman.  It was agreed, and the two met up as agreed.

The conservation agent was surprised to see that fisherman did not bring much gear.  The two set out into the river in the fisherman's boat.  After they had been out for a while, the fisherman stops the boat, reaches into a box, then pulls out a stick of dynomite.  He lights the fuse, waits until the fuse has burned short, then tosses the dynomite into the river.  KABOOM!  Fish surface, and the fisherman scoops them up.

The conservation agent is startled, and too shocked for words.  After a few more such catches, the conservation agent finds his tongue.

"What are you doing?" the agent asks.

"Fishin'" replies the fisherman.  He tosses out another stick of dynomite.

"You can't do that--it's illegal!" says the agent.

The fisherman scoops up his catch, and pulls out another stick of dynomite.

The agent blurts out, "I'll have to take you in!"

The fisherman calmly lights the dynomite, hands the stick to the agent, and asks, "Would you like to go fishin' with me?"

Fierofool

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #94 on: March 19, 2019, 10:10:11 am »

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals .......very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am
There are three kinds of men:

1.    The ones that learn by reading.
2.    The few who learn by observation.
3.    The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.    Will Rogers

Raydar

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #95 on: March 19, 2019, 05:21:32 pm »
Bill is putting his young daughter to bed one night and as he walks out the bedroom door he hears her saying her prayers. She says, "God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa."

Bill rushes back into her bedroom and asks her, "Why did you say the last part?" His daughter replies, "Because I needed to." The next day, grandpa dies of a heart attack. Bill is worried about his daughter but thinks, "It must just be a sad coincidence."

That night he tucks his daughter into bed again and once again he hears her saying her prayers. She says, "God bless mommy and daddy, rest in peace grandma." Bill is now really worried and thinking to himself, "Can my daughter really see into the future?"

The next day, grandma dies and now Bill is convinced his daughter can predict the future.

For the rest of the week nothing happens, but on the Sunday night as Bill leaves his daughter's bedroom he waits outside and listens for any more prayers. Sure enough, he hears her say, "God bless you mommy, rest in peace daddy." Now Bill is really panicking and thinking, '"Oh God, I'm going to die tomorrow!"

The following day Bill is in a complete mess all day in work; a real nervous wreck. He constantly checks the clock, looks around the room and is on edge all the time expecting to die at any moment. He is so nervous that he doesn't leave the office until it's past midnight. Once it turns midnight he says to himself with relief, "How is this possible? I should be dead!" He goes home and walks into the house to find his wife sitting on the sofa with a scared look on her face. She asks him, "Where have you been? What took you so long?"

Bill replies, "Listen honey, today I haven't had the best of days" and he is just about to tell her what has happened when she starts crying and bursts out, "I saw the mailman die yesterday!"
...

pgackerman

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #96 on: March 20, 2019, 09:26:48 am »
 ::) ugh
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Now with a trailer hitch for my bike rack.
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GTRS Fiero

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #97 on: April 26, 2019, 09:58:47 pm »
Not really a joke.

Back in the days of the CRTs, I told someone that the computer could take their picture.  Just go to this particular web site, click the button, and hold their face close to the monitor and still.  The raster in the monitor would slowly scan their face, and the image would appear.  It may be fuzzy--especially if they moved during the scan.  I added a bunch of detail to explain how this works, but this person wouldn't believe me for anything...but apparently an eavesdropper did.  She apparently got the fuzzy image, too...

fiero128

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #98 on: April 27, 2019, 05:17:26 am »

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals .......very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am

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GTRS Fiero

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #99 on: April 30, 2019, 05:54:15 pm »
Today, my boss asked me what kind of a tire he should wear to Piazza Messina.

"BF Goodrich".

He said that wouldn't float his boat.

About then, the mail was delivered (to the office, but whatever), including his male enhancement medicine.  I suggested that maybe that would float his boat.


Fierofool

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #100 on: May 03, 2019, 07:38:02 pm »
Borrowed from Facebook:

A woman awakes during the night
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. “What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?” The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?” he asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?” “Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, “Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!” “I remember that too,” she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today!”
There are three kinds of men:

1.    The ones that learn by reading.
2.    The few who learn by observation.
3.    The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.    Will Rogers

GTRS Fiero

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #101 on: May 03, 2019, 07:43:39 pm »
That one never made sense to me.  He'd have never lived for 20 years in jail, but whatever his marriage was like before, it will be worse.

Fierofool

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #102 on: May 03, 2019, 10:31:16 pm »
Guess he felt his marriage was worse than 20 years in prison.  He's still bound by his marriage but his prison sentence would be over. 
There are three kinds of men:

1.    The ones that learn by reading.
2.    The few who learn by observation.
3.    The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.    Will Rogers

GTRS Fiero

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #103 on: May 03, 2019, 10:34:46 pm »
He would not have made 20 years in prison.  Maybe 2 or 3.

Fierofool

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #104 on: May 03, 2019, 10:56:26 pm »
Many live their whole life, 50-60 years in prison.
There are three kinds of men:

1.    The ones that learn by reading.
2.    The few who learn by observation.
3.    The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.    Will Rogers