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Author Topic: Anyone heard a good joke lately?  (Read 9710 times)

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Raydar

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #75 on: March 12, 2017, 03:17:59 PM »
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner [but certainly not a redneck!], a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47-53 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.
 
"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."
"Some mornings, it's almost not worth gnawing through the restraints."

Fierofool

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #76 on: March 12, 2017, 06:58:27 PM »
This is the only joke I know of that can only be repeated in writing.
If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for being in here illegally, if you have to show identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor or check out a library book, but not to vote on who runs the government,
you live in a country run by idiots.

Roger

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #77 on: March 12, 2017, 08:37:24 PM »
THE CONFESSION

Hi Fred,

This is Alan next door. I have a confession to make.
I've been feeling guilty these past few months and have
been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you, but
at least I'm telling you now in a text message as I
feel bad about you not knowing.

The truth is I have been sharing your wife a lot lately.
In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been able to
get it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know.
The temptation was too much. I feel so guilty and I hope
you will accept my sincerest apologies. It won't happen
again. Please suggest a usage fee and I'll pay you.

Regards,
Alan


THE ACTIONS

Fred, feeling betrayed and insulted, grabbed his gun,
rushed next door and shot his neighbor dead. He returned
home, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the
sofa to reflect.
Then he took out his phone and saw he had a second message
from his neighbor:


SECOND MESSAGE

Hi Fred, Alan here again. Sorry about the typo on my last
text. I guess you figured it out anyway - the damned
Auto-Correct changed ‘wi-fi’ to 'wife.’ Technology, hey?

Regards, Alan
I don't need a navigation system. I never get lost because everyone always tells me where to go.

Drewbdo

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #78 on: March 13, 2017, 09:38:41 AM »
^^ wow!  :o ;D lol

Fierofool

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #79 on: March 13, 2017, 10:56:30 AM »
God looks out at the Pearly Gates and says "Welcome to Heaven.  I want all the women to go with Saint Peter and the men to form two lines here.  All the men who think they were in charge of their relationship on earth stand here, and the ones who believe they were in charge, stand here."

There's a lot of movement, but eventually the women are gone and there are two lines left.  The line of the men who were not in charge is miles long.  In the other line stands just one man.

God turns to this man and says, "You're the only one in this line.  How did you manage this?"

The man shrugs and says, "I don't know.  My wife told me to stand here."
If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for being in here illegally, if you have to show identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor or check out a library book, but not to vote on who runs the government,
you live in a country run by idiots.

GTRS Fiero

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #80 on: March 13, 2017, 05:44:06 PM »
All the men who think they were in charge of their relationship on earth stand here, and the ones who believe they were in charge, stand here."

I think there are 2 problems here.  in/not charge, and here/there.

GTRS Fiero

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #81 on: March 19, 2017, 12:21:37 PM »
If this is inappropriate, let me know, and I'll remove it.

----------------------------

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.

This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.

They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved--now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses!

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent.  The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
« Last Edit: October 12, 2017, 06:04:23 PM by GTRS Fiero »

GTRS Fiero

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #82 on: March 25, 2017, 08:39:50 AM »
The Wayside Chapel

An English schoolteacher was looking for a home in the country, where she would be teaching school. She asked the schoolmaster for a recommendation.  He made several recommendations, one of which they agreed would be perfect.   As she began to make final preparations for the move, the thought suddenly occured to her that she had not seen a Water Closet (toilet) in the pictures. She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a "W.C." near the house.

The schoolmaster had no idea what a WC was, so he asked the parish priest about the meaning of the letters "W.C." and the only solution they could come up with for the letters was "Wayside Chapel". The schoolmaster then wrote the following note to the English lady:

Dear Madam: I take great comfort in informing you that a "W.C." is situated nine miles from the house in the corner of a beautiful grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people, and it is open on Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a great many people expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early, although there is usually plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, particularly if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good many bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others, who can't afford to go by car, arrive just in time. I would especially advise you to go on Thursdays when there is an organ accompaniest. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heared everywhere. It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the "W.C." and it was there that she met her husband. I remember the rush there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat usually reserved for one, and it was wonderful to see the expression on their faces.

The newest attraction is a bell, donated by a wealthy resident of the district, which rings every time a person enters. A Bazaar is to be held to raise money for plush seat. My wife is rather delicate so she can't go regularly: it has been several weeks since she went last. Naturally it pains her not to be able to go more often. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you, if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children there is a special time so that they will not disturb the elders.

Hoping to have been of some service to you, I remain,
Schoolmaster Joe

GTRS Fiero

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #83 on: October 09, 2017, 07:47:06 PM »
During the Flood, Noah received reports that there was flooding in the lower decks of the Ark.  He went to see what the problems was.  Presently, he said, ”Darn, I knew I shouldn't have brought the termites along!”

GTXVette

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #84 on: October 09, 2017, 09:21:59 PM »
  Having been Raised Catholic the Lent Joke was Damn Funny.

Fierofool

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #85 on: October 12, 2017, 05:57:59 PM »
It was municipal court day in the city and the court clerk was working her way through the case docket.  Eventually, a young lady was called before the Judge.

The Judge opened the case folder and read the charges.  "Young lady, you have been charged with solicitation of an undercover officer for intimate favors for pay.  How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, Your Honor" said the young woman.

"Not Guilty?  Please explain." said the Judge.

The young woman replied;  "Well, Your Honor, I was calling my lost dog.  You see, my dog's name is Tiz.  I was just standing on the corner yelling 'Here, Tiz, Here, Tiz, Here, Tiz.' "
If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for being in here illegally, if you have to show identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor or check out a library book, but not to vote on who runs the government,
you live in a country run by idiots.