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Author Topic: Anyone heard a good joke lately?  (Read 42955 times)

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Duchess

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #30 on: January 20, 2013, 01:29:40 pm »
Lipstick in Catholic School
According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers...... And then there are educators!
If Sister Mary ran for office I would vote for her!

Duchess

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #31 on: January 20, 2013, 01:31:13 pm »
Harry,
I really learned something @tools. Thanks for sharing :)

Raydar

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #32 on: January 20, 2013, 03:47:49 pm »
...
SON-OF-A-B!TCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a B!TCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

This is usually when my wife comments. "Remember.. this is what you do for fun."
...

HarryT

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #33 on: January 21, 2013, 02:24:26 am »
Beer math
Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes.

Lady: How much a day?
Man: Three 6 packs.

Lady: How much per 6 pack?
Man: About $10.00.

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years.

Lady: So one 6 pack costs $10.00, and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct.

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct.

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No.
Man: So where's your frigging Ferrari?

87  Black GT (The Little Black Car)
2009 Honda CR-V
X 2002  40' Allegro Bus X Traded
2008 Thor Four Winds Siesta 25SA
Retired Mechanic

Roger

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #34 on: January 23, 2013, 08:31:10 pm »
Stay in your vehicle!
Do not leave your vehicle!

But, for the illiterate...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qr5c0jXioo

You can't fix stupid but, you can adjust it with a 2x4.

Fiero GTB

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #35 on: January 23, 2013, 11:04:57 pm »
Stay in your vehicle!
Do not leave your vehicle!

But, for the illiterate...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qr5c0jXioo

He deserved every ounze of dirty, soapy, tepid, thrice-reciruclated water!

FGTB
Every time my GPS says, "Your ETA is...,"
   I hear, "Your Time to Beat is..."

Roger

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #36 on: January 24, 2013, 12:50:59 pm »
 ::)
Let's see. The rules state I must hit the ball where it lies or, I can take a drop and a 1 stroke penalty.

So guess what's up for dinner?
You can't fix stupid but, you can adjust it with a 2x4.

Fierofool

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #37 on: January 26, 2013, 05:00:55 pm »
My 13 year old Granddaughter was out last week and we were sitting eating breakfast.  Because she has had problems with some subjects in school, I decided to ask her a history question.

I asked  "Do you know what day is tomorrow?"  She said "Yes, it's President's Day".  So, I asked her if she new what President's day was about and was waiting for something about maybe Washington or Lincoln or Franklin or somebody.

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of his Bull."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out of your nose!
There are three kinds of men:

1.    The ones that learn by reading.
2.    The few who learn by observation.
3.    The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.    Will Rogers

whiteandnerdy27

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #38 on: January 26, 2013, 11:43:54 pm »
so a man in his mid 40's was carrying some heavy boxes up a steep flight of stairs. when he got to the top, he was huffing and puffing and could hardly get a word out. seeing this, a younger woman asks him, "are you ok?", to which he replies, " ya know, i used to have the body of an 18 year old......................................... but it started to smell funny and i had to throw it out."

Raydar

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #39 on: February 02, 2013, 02:18:09 pm »
Best Genie Story Ever

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yes, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

...

fiero128

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #40 on: February 04, 2013, 05:36:39 am »
Stay in your vehicle!
Do not leave your vehicle!

But, for the illiterate...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qr5c0jXioo

OOPS
hehehehehe ;D
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Roger

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #41 on: February 04, 2013, 06:43:10 pm »
WASHINGTON, D.C.- President Obama announced today that he will engage new gun laws by setting an example.

From this date forward, all Secret Service agents will no longer carry firearms nor will any vehicles be so equipped.

Each one will however, be required to carry a pocket Thesaurus to assist them in using harsh language at anyone who
threatens the safety of the President, members of the House or Congress.

All citizens that are for gun controls or otherwise against the 2nd Amendment MUST register with their local law
enforcement so that no firearms will be used to protect them.
Neighborhood locals who are against gun control are expected to respect those in their neighborhood who are for
gun control and abstain from shooting at rapists, burglars, arsonists; etc. on their neighbors premesis.
They can though, defend themselves, their family and their property as they see fit.

Insurance companies are expected to drop Homeowners Liability insurance of those for gun control thus, saving
millions of dollars.

Fire Departments will still respond but, due to the use of an axe by Lizzy Borden, no axes will be used to reach
anyone trapped inside of a structure of any kind.

Anyone found using a firearm in the process of committing a crime will get the Death Penalty. No trial, no jury,
just representation and due process, blah, blah, blah. Sentence to be carried out within the week of the infraction.
This is expected to save the United States billions of dollars in supporting the criminal element and reduce the
National Deficit.

With respect to the Freedom From Religion Foundation, you're on your own on this one.

The NRA has declined to comment.
 ;D

You can't fix stupid but, you can adjust it with a 2x4.

85GT

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #42 on: February 05, 2013, 06:45:42 pm »
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to Hell.. While there they spot a RED PHONE and ask the devil what it's for ? He tells them it's for calling back to EARTH so PUTIN calls RUSSIA and talks for five minutes and the devil informs him the cost will be ONE MILLION DOLLARS, Putin writes him a check.  The QUEEN calls ENGLAND and talks for thirty minutes, the devil informs her the cost is FIVE MILLION DOLLARS..  GEORGE BUSH calls the UNITED STATES and talks for four hours and the devil informs him there is no charge.. PUTIN and the QUEEN ask the devil whats going on and the devil informs them since OBAMA took office the UNITED STATES has gone to HELL and it's a LOCAL CALL... :)

Duchess

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #43 on: February 07, 2013, 08:18:36 pm »

A married couple is travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George .
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," the husband said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed topay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with senior citizens..... They didn't get there by being stupid.

TopNotch

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Re: Anyone heard a good joke lately?
« Reply #44 on: February 08, 2013, 04:38:47 pm »
Kid jokes....

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn , how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald , what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie , name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie , give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is.
TEACHER: No, Millie ..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold , what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of play.